Does sexual desire interfere with your ability to love someone unconditionally?

For some reason, the majority of emails I receive are about relationship issues, and the concept of unconditional love. It seems that many people have difficulty loving unconditionally within a sexual relationship. Several readers have recently asked for my thoughts on reconciling the two.

Because of this confluence of concern arriving in my Inbox, I’ve decided to post one of my responses here. Perhaps it can serve as food for thought to others who question the compatibility of unconditional love with sexual relations. So here is an extract from a recent letter, and my response:

This letter (in brief) comes from Brad in New Hampshire.

“Dear John,

Since I was a teenager (I am 24 now) I have noticed that every time I really “fell in love” with a person, it was not sexual attraction; I felt pride and happiness for that person, and her achievements – often entirely ignoring her physical characteristics. I felt most of the things you described as unconditional and true love.

Instead when I just “dated” someone, I needed assurance that she was “mine”, felt jealous if she spoke to other men, and worried about loosing her. Or that if I lost her “she’s not the right one”.

Since about one year I’ve tried to love unconditionally (my approach arose from Christian narrative, altruism and similar values), but simultaneously pursued the idea of actually being together, being “partnered” with the person I love unconditionally.

Unfortunately, I never experienced such a relationship, mainly because every time I loved someone unconditionally, our friendship became so strong that social norms commanded us to “stay in the friend-zone”, as they make a strict distinction between friendship and love (Something I do not really agree with, but almost everyone does).

Do you think that in order to love unconditionally AND have a relationship of the kind I am talking about, it is still important to NOT ignore sexuality (i.e. follow the social norms on sexual relations in order to become a couple and not “just friends”)? And do you have any general thoughts about the “friend-zone” problem, and how it relates to unconditional love?”

Dear Brad,

You are drawing too many lines in the sand. I think you believe that unconditional love is exclusive to non-sexual relationships. You say that you feel this from society, but I feel it coming from within you.

Your sexual feelings engage powerful and primitive parts of your brain. While you are feeling these raw drives coursing through your mind and body, you are also perhaps trying to be cool, or spiritual, or correct in some way. And that is natural. As a man though, your primal sexual nature just wants total immersion with the body and spirit of a woman; the merging of flesh on flesh, the indescribable fullness, and the climax–that infinite moment of white light and absolute dissolve.

But because you have that disconnect between your higher aspirations and your sexual drive, you lose your spiritual sense when you engage in sex. That causes you to feel at odds with yourself; selfishly satisfied and guilty as a result.

On the surface, your sexuality doesn’t care about your desire to be spiritual or unconditional. it craves only simple satisfaction, and it naturally wants to possess it. Women are no different by the way. It may be a surprise to some men, but women engage the same primal forces. Their sexual drives also conflict with their perceived-to-be-higher self conceptions. So how do you cope with the inner conflict?

You can begin by considering that there is no conflict at all. Sex is a powerful and blinding drive, but it is not just a primitive drive to selfish and possessive satisfaction. Your sexual impulse can grow with you into a beautiful–and unconditional–physical, emotional, energetic, and spiritual union. All of the differences, the power struggles, and the guilt, are dissolved.

Our sexual nature mirrors the union that is expressed in the higher spiritual aspects of life. It is our base experience of nirvana; the complete meltdown of boundaries and separations. And we can transform our sexual nature’s irresistible power into that higher expression, but we must begin by joyously accepting our basic drives.

This sexual alchemy takes time and energy to accomplish, but it is entirely doable. On one end of the scale, sex is a physical and emotional union with your partner, and at the higher end it is creative union with your inner and outer universe. So lighten up on yourself and accept your sexual desires as good and natural. Work with it. See where you can take it.

Unconditional love is all about erasing the lines in the sand; the separation between you and I, your judgments and your fears. Sexual relations can move you in the same direction.

Not only is it OK to sexually desire a woman whom you also feel unconditional love for, but the two drives are in perfect alignment. It is all a matter of choice and character. It seems that you have the character. You just need to make the choice–without attaching to the outcome–and work through your feelings, fears, and insecurities.

It is also important to remember that there is no possession when it comes to relationships. Everyone you meet is simply a different aspect of yourself, and naturally you want the best for them, because in a real sense they are you, and you are them. We are all one. So merge with the one you love. Don’t compete with them or try to possess them.

Make good choices, and remain in integrity. It will then all come together Brad.

Over to you Now!

The clouds were low; silver-grey with blushes of violet to the west, and an intense blue-grey to the east. It was 1994, and spring was about to bless us with some needed rain.

“The garden will love it,” Rosemarie said. I agreed, though not with the same hard-won conviction as my Wife’s, after all, it was Rosemarie who created our garden and it was she who mainly toiled in it.

We had a large garden (and still do) filled with plenty of delicious raspberries, gooseberries, currants of all sorts, and most of the vegetables we needed for the year ahead. For Rosemarie, the garden was her labor of love; her way of connecting to life at its purest, and to who she is at heart.

It was a quiet day, and every living thing seemed to be in their own separate world, including us. I was taking a break from a new painting I was working on, Rosemarie was finishing some planting, and the ravens were dive-bombing Jones, our black cat.

Critter Dramas

Watching how Jones responded was comical. He was convinced that he was the predator and they were the prey. But the Ravens were fearless; they held to a different set of definitions. To them, the world was theirs and so they attacked and claimed space. Our poor little Jones became short-circuited by the gap between his instincts and the situation. He sat hugging the ground for a while, frozen in fear, his jaw quivering as he tried to make threatening noises. He then ran off, ears flattened tight back, eyes big like saucers.

It was intriguing to watch the dramas being played out on our small patch of earth in the middle of town. All of the creatures that graced our property had their own stories, that through time and observation they shared with us.

There was the Raven with the bad leg and injured wing, and the Red-Winged Blackbird with the bald head; the only one that remained in area from the fifty or so that over-wintered with us. Was he an outcast? The odd dog wanders over to say hello, or to Rosemarie’s dismay, to relieve himself in the loose black soil.

Our beautiful one third of an acre in the heart of British Columbia’s Okanagan Valley became for us, a crucible, a microcosm of nature’s cycles and dramas. We chased the dogs, the dogs chased the cats, the cats chased just about anything smaller than themselves, and of course the ravens chased Jones. All of them playing between fear and desire.

The Hike

“Would you like to go for a hike?” Rosemarie asked between streams of quiet thought. “Sure, I guess I can finish the painting later. It might rain though” I said. We had had our share of relationship difficulties in the recent past and we were still feeling the weight of circumstances. Did I really want to go for a hike in the bush, in the rain? “That’s okay; it’s good for the garden, so it might be good for us as well,” Rosemarie answered, sensing what I might be feeling.

A few moments later then, the sky a bit darker with vertical columns of misty grey; rain in the distance, we set out in our camper van. We called her Betsy.

Betsy had been our vehicle on many an adventure. Settling into her seats was like coming home to the magic of ourselves. All of our worries and frustrations would dissolve into her, as we focused through her windshield on where we were, and where we envisioned going.

After a brief discussion of where to hike, we decided on Okanagan Mountain Park; a large wild area at the edge of town. There, steep trails lead to beautiful high places where the breeze is always fresh, the grass is always golden, and the lake below is always an iridescent blue shimmer.

On this day though we would not hike to those highest places. Our goal was only about 40 minutes uphill. I wanted to show Rosemarie the eagle’s nest I had discovered the previous week.

Rain was falling gently when we arrived, and the few people that were in the area were leaving. Donning an old oiled canvas hat to keep the rain off my head and glasses, we began hiking up to the point where we could make our own way off-trail to the nest. The rain made the ground less stable and the rocks slippery as if coated with a thin film of oil.

Being careful not to destroy the lichen as we stepped, knowing how fragile it is, we slowly climbed, stopping now and then to fully soak in the beauty that we were immersed in.

Though the rain was increasing, and we were in some fairly thick brush at times, we were dressed for it. Nevertheless, we and everything around us was wet. We could have become annoyed by it I suppose, but though heavier, the rain still retained that fine quality. It wasn’t a driving rain, but rather, it caressed the skin.

“The people that left when it began raining; they missed all of this” I thought. When it rains in the bush it can feel somehow lonely, but it rewards you with all the saturated colors; the green that is greener than green. And the aromas that the rain releases are to die for; the musky smell of the grasses, the pine and fir needles, the wet rock, the soaked soil.

The Lesson

We did arrive at the Eagle’s nest, but they were no where in sight. It didn’t matter though. We rested under the shelter of a large Ponderosa Pine not far from their lair, our backs against the broad sturdy trunk, our behinds nestled into a springy layer of golden-brown needles, warm with the energy of the earth.

We fell immersed in a profound and natural silence; a pure communion, punctuated only by the rain, and the small trickling sound of a nearby stream making its way through moss and rock, on its path to the blue lake below.

In those twenty minutes or so we were completely together, in sync, and in love. All of our differences dissolved. We sat in that inner silence, sinking deeply into nature’s embrace. Such a calm and beautiful power washed through us under that old tree. We didn’t have to say a word. I doubt that we even could. Later, we simply agreed to get out more often together — rain or shine.

Nature is a clear and powerful teacher. She is always there with a timely lesson. We set out to go for a simple hike, to take a break, to see the eagles. We ended up immersing ourselves in the richness of a rain-soaked mountainside, reconfirming our commitment not to be fair-weather friends with nature; to be with her only in her sunshine. And we silently confirmed with each other that we would not be fair-weather friends and lovers.

Nature showed us, with richness, grace, and natural ease, a simple path to happiness. She reminded us that no matter what our circumstances are, they carry hidden gifts that we receive when we fully accept those circumstances, and remain present in each moment, with each step we take.

On that day in the rain, we discovered a deeper level of beauty that is still with us today.

True love is our ideal. We desire it, and in our desire we want to possess it.

What could be more natural? True love, after all, is the most comforting and beautiful aspect of relationship. Who would not want to possess it?

But can you possess true love, and does this involve possessing the person you love? Or is true love somehow separate from your lover?

What is true love?

We could say that true love is found on the other side of jealousy. Does that sound about right to you?

Of course, if this were a perfect world, we would not even consider jealousy when we think of true love. But we are not perfect. Because we want to possess the beauty of love, we try to possess our lover thinking they are the same.

We forget, or maybe we need to learn, that true love is not our lover. True love is the beauty we experience from loving our lover.

You cannot possess true love. You can only earn it. And you earn true love by truly loving. How do you do this? You truly love your partner by trusting them — by giving them space to fully develop their potential.

True love then is unselfish. It is unconditional, and true love celebrates your lover’s independent growth without the need for you to possess or control. You are confident and happy when your partner discovers new personal power and direction. This is true love.

Trust your lover — give them space

If you are wondering why you should trust your lover, you might ask yourself why you are in a relationship in the first place. If you are in it to possess comfort, sex, money, security, social or even self-acceptance, then love is not on your agenda. You can safely forget about it and continue on your mutual path of self gratification, possession, and power struggles.

But if you are open to finding true unconditional love, the road passes right through the heart of your selfishness, your jealousy, and your possessiveness. It emerges on the opposite side.

You have to navigate these base emotions before you can move your relationship onto higher ground.

Is it difficult? Well, yes it is, but…

If you really care about the person you call your lover, your husband, or your wife, you will want them to achieve. You will want them to realize their best potential, and you will want to give them the space necessary to make that happen. Reminding yourself of this should make it easier.

Both you and your partner need space to grow as much as you need air to breathe. Neither of you benefits if you smother one another.

Your time apart — these everyday spaces — can be for quiet contemplation, or to enjoy a friend’s company, or perhaps to explore personal directions. This space is the creative vortex, where you as a couple explore life and create through your differences. Growth cannot exist without space?

The trust you give one another creates the space you embrace within; entwined but separate beings, loving and living within the small but vital distances between you.

How do you give your lover space?

Have you and your partner found it difficult to give each other the necessary space to grow as individuals? Do you feel stifled in your relationship? Or have you found your path through the destructiveness of possession and jealously?

What did it feel like when you first realized that you truly loved your partner; that you didn’t need to possess them; that instead, you wanted to experience the joy of growing together as individuals?

You can give your lover space on many levels. It can be as obvious as physical space, or time space, and it can be as subtle as psychic and emotional space.

However you choose to give your partner this space, or in what form you ask your partner for this trust and freedom, know that the space you give or receive is directly proportional to your growth as a couple.

The less you try to possess your lover — the more you will possess true love.

Over to you now…

Jamie from Australia recently wrote, asking:

I have just read your article, I Love You, and I’m curious to know what you think about this: Is it possible for a person to truly and unconditionally love two people at the same time?

I thought only a parent-child love relationship is unconditional. It is very difficult to find a man-woman relationship that is unconditional. Am I right to say that? Does pure love really exist? Have you come across a man or woman who is able to tolerate their loved one loving another person without any feeling of unhappiness, envy, or jealousy?

Well Jamie, my definition of love knows no bounds. Yes, a person can be “in love with” more than one person at the same time — absolutely.

At times like that though, we need to be able to see past the romance into the pure love that is at it’s core (assuming the relationship is True Love). In our society, multiple simultaneous romances can lead to practical and relationship problems if one of those romances is of the “committed” variety. So being able to see past the romance into the pure love, empowers us to drop one of the romances while retaining the love for that person.

Retaining the friendship is another story altogether as that requires the dropped romantic partner to acquire a similar mindset. It’s great if that happens, but what are the odds? We may have to sacrifice the friendship unless we can bring the other person along into this higher ground.

The bottom line is: we can end a romance without losing the sweetness of the pure love it embodies, even though it may be one-sided.

Pure Unconditional Love

Pure love is the underpinning of genuine romance. Sexual attraction and the type of attraction that fills voids or needs within us are separate from this, but are added into the mix in most relationships. If we can learn to identify these various aspects of attraction, we will also see and feel the underlying unconditional love, if it exists. J. Krishnamurti lectured around this subject quite a bit. His book, “On Love and Loneliness,” explores this in places.

If we really and honestly look at why we are attracted to and “in love with” certain people, we often see that much of what we call love is really sexual attraction coupled with other “needs.” We try to complete the things we lack, satisfy our sexual desire, and cure our feeling of aloneness. It is often fear and need-based, and fear and need are the opposites of love.

When we employ a ruthless awareness toward our feelings and motivations, we begin to see these aspects. In this process we can discover many things. We may find that what we call love is actually a selfish desire. It is why we might feel possessiveness and jealousy.

But we may also discover that beneath our concern for our own needs and desires, is true love that is not dependant on filling our personal needs.

This true love is expressed and strengthened every time we support our loved one’s spirit and direction in life, even if our own base desires would rather have us maintain static, Freeze-Framed Relationships. When we do this we are practising unconditional love.

I agree that unconditional love is rare in most romantic relationships, at least on the conscious level. We are all learning every day. Most will learn more effective ways to satisfy themselves without regard for others, but some of us will learn the greater lesson that we are all connected; that our individual lives are like sprouts from the same rootstock.

The deeper satisfaction is in seeing and feeling this connection to the whole. It all becomes one, yet seen and felt from an individual perspective.

When we try to articulate these things it sounds intellectual or perhaps dry, but in practice it just feels right, it holds great power, and it frees us from the corrosive influence of selfishness, jealousy, fear, and anger, that destroys so many relationships.

It is a worthy pursuit and it all begins with close and quiet self-examination.

Over to you now…

What do you think? Is love exclusive?

Do you have a question that you feel might lead to an article topic? If so, Contact Me.

The words “I love you,” are powerful; we safeguard them; we hold them sacred. Would it be weird then to say, “I love everyone?”

I do though. I love you all. Each and every one of you has your own personal brand of beauty, and I love you dearly for it.

Strength, beauty, and goodness, is in everyone and — I get it — I see it — I feel it. It stretches itself to be recognized no matter how swamped it is with anger, stress, addiction, distraction, and sadness. It is undiminished.

Your beauty, goodness, and light, is eternal and it will never give in to darkness. It was there before you were born and regardless of how you live your life, it will be there after you are gone. It is your essence — your true self — and it is what I love and see in your presence.

So there you have it. I have confessed and exposed myself. I am deeply in love with you.

My wish is that you can see and understand why I feel this way; that you will see yourself for who you really are; that you will sense the magic within, and feel the light and beauty that lives, breathes, and creates, in your soul.

These are the aspects of you that I love, and I want you to love them too.

You are truly beautiful.