True love is our ideal. We desire it, and in our desire we want to possess it.
What could be more natural? True love, after all, is the most comforting and beautiful aspect of relationship. Who would not want to possess it?
But can you possess true love, and does this involve possessing the person you love? Or is true love somehow separate from your lover?
What is true love?
We could say that true love is found on the other side of jealousy. Does that sound about right to you?
Of course, if this were a perfect world, we would not even consider jealousy when we think of true love. But we are not perfect. Because we want to possess the beauty of love, we try to possess our lover thinking they are the same.
We forget, or maybe we need to learn, that true love is not our lover. True love is the beauty we experience from loving our lover.
You cannot possess true love. You can only earn it. And you earn true love by truly loving. How do you do this? You truly love your partner by trusting them — by giving them space to fully develop their potential.
True love then is unselfish. It is unconditional, and true love celebrates your lover’s independent growth without the need for you to possess or control. You are confident and happy when your partner discovers new personal power and direction. This is true love.
Trust your lover — give them space
If you are wondering why you should trust your lover, you might ask yourself why you are in a relationship in the first place. If you are in it to possess comfort, sex, money, security, social or even self-acceptance, then love is not on your agenda. You can safely forget about it and continue on your mutual path of self gratification, possession, and power struggles.
But if you are open to finding true unconditional love, the road passes right through the heart of your selfishness, your jealousy, and your possessiveness. It emerges on the opposite side.
You have to navigate these base emotions before you can move your relationship onto higher ground.
Is it difficult? Well, yes it is, but…
If you really care about the person you call your lover, your husband, or your wife, you will want them to achieve. You will want them to realize their best potential, and you will want to give them the space necessary to make that happen. Reminding yourself of this should make it easier.
Both you and your partner need space to grow as much as you need air to breathe. Neither of you benefits if you smother one another.
Your time apart — these everyday spaces — can be for quiet contemplation, or to enjoy a friend’s company, or perhaps to explore personal directions. This space is the creative vortex, where you as a couple explore life and create through your differences. Growth cannot exist without space?
The trust you give one another creates the space you embrace within; entwined but separate beings, loving and living within the small but vital distances between you.
How do you give your lover space?
Have you and your partner found it difficult to give each other the necessary space to grow as individuals? Do you feel stifled in your relationship? Or have you found your path through the destructiveness of possession and jealously?
What did it feel like when you first realized that you truly loved your partner; that you didn’t need to possess them; that instead, you wanted to experience the joy of growing together as individuals?
You can give your lover space on many levels. It can be as obvious as physical space, or time space, and it can be as subtle as psychic and emotional space.
However you choose to give your partner this space, or in what form you ask your partner for this trust and freedom, know that the space you give or receive is directly proportional to your growth as a couple.
The less you try to possess your lover — the more you will possess true love.
Over to you now…
Stumble it!
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9 comments ↓
It seems that only rich, secure, independent, strong people can love unconditionally. They can choose partners only from pure love and they don’t need anything from their partners other than love.
If you are constrained, you cannot love purely; if you are shackled, you cannot dance gracefully. I was ever in this kind of situation. It is a depression.
Nice article! I think a lot of people have a warped sense of what love really is. We give up all too easily, in the name of love. I think most people are in “lust”…not love. Show me a couple who have experienced death of loved ones, financial insecurity, job demise–and still remain together and thrive in their relationship–and then you’ll see what “love” really is. Love never gives up, love never lets down. Love remains, regardless of how tough the going may get. Love blossoms under pressure.
Jade
I feel what you are saying, but my own experience and observation tells me that unconditional love is just that — it is unconditional. It does not depend on ease of circumstance to develop. It often develops from the most adverse conditions. When a person’s life is not challenged, their ability to love is not tested and refined.
We grow through our depressed times if we can remain aware through it all — and you have. I think that you have learned from your experience, but you are still holding onto bitterness. Replace that with understanding of how that happened, then move forward. It will only snag you otherwise.
Please keep sharing your thoughts with us.
Hope
You said:
This is so true — lust and need are more often than not, mistaken for love. A good examination of this is found in J. Krishnamurti’s book, “On Love and Loneliness.”
Thank you for your inspiring comment. I can add nothing more.
John
Everything is true in its place..If you really think about it,
Love is for sharing with someone you care.
The more deeper it gets the more stronger it gets…
Watch is movie “THE NOTEBOOK”
Little bit advice how much space we try to find and to give…if its not for you, its not for you…
“SPACE” why need it when you get it when you watching movies in same room but not saying nothing because movie was interesting…
Working around your own house and backyard is space.
Having people at the house is space…
I am to young, to say anything in relationship
You are right Sophia. There are many ways to give and take space.
As you say, it can be as simple as being in the same room without the need to talk — to just be — and be comfortable with the space between you.
Thank you for triggering that thought
John
I ‘m glad to hear that, people complain to me so much that i need to give my boyfriend space.
I have many problems in my life..relationship
I wish i would see the mistake I make…
sophia
Sometimes the best way to see our mistakes is by giving space to others we are involved with. It gives us time to go within without the expectations of others, or our own expectation of what others feel or think about us, interfering with our introspection.
When we give space, we may be triggered into insecurity. If so, that tells us something that maybe we can work on and try to understand. A little at a time.
John
When do we learn, We give up, we give space, we give time
When is the time to love than…
Is space love, does space solve problems
what kind of space…let him go to his ex life
or other women (only one place people go to their past life which ……)
Than where is my heart security/ where my chance to trust and learn him…(for him to return back)than go to another relationship and to another life is unsuscessfull
( do people in this world know that we don’t change families why we change life partners) We remember growing up with people memories (it should be the same in relationship)
We had so much space …His says I control
Whenever we have issues with space because we fear losing someone to an ex-lover, it shows that we are not secure in how we love.
Space is possibly not the issue here. You may have to examine how each of you love and relate.
Sometimes people are in a relationship because they NEED something from their partner. When relationships are based on need, they turn possessive, and then space seems like an issue. Often, the real issue is how you feel about yourself.
If you love yourself, then there is less need, and more true love in your relationship — and then space becomes a positive thing between you, instead of a threat. It is something to think about.
Take some time with your partner to ask yourselves why you are in this relationship. I hope that you will discover a genuine caring and love for each other that does not depend on getting something in return. Did you read Is Your Relationship True Love?
Try to take the time to look within yourself for how you feel, not only about your partner — but about you.
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