True love is our ideal. We desire it, and in our desire we want to possess it.
What could be more natural? True love, after all, is the most comforting and beautiful aspect of relationship. Who would not want to possess it?
But can you possess true love, and does this involve possessing the person you love? Or is true love somehow separate from your lover?
What is true love?
We could say that true love is found on the other side of jealousy. Does that sound about right to you?
Of course, if this were a perfect world, we would not even consider jealousy when we think of true love. But we are not perfect. Because we want to possess the beauty of love, we try to possess our lover thinking they are the same.
We forget, or maybe we need to learn, that true love is not our lover. True love is the beauty we experience from loving our lover.
You cannot possess true love. You can only earn it. And you earn true love by truly loving. How do you do this? You truly love your partner by trusting them — by giving them space to fully develop their potential.
True love then is unselfish. It is unconditional, and true love celebrates your lover’s independent growth without the need for you to possess or control. You are confident and happy when your partner discovers new personal power and direction. This is true love.
Trust your lover — give them space
If you are wondering why you should trust your lover, you might ask yourself why you are in a relationship in the first place. If you are in it to possess comfort, sex, money, security, social or even self-acceptance, then love is not on your agenda. You can safely forget about it and continue on your mutual path of self gratification, possession, and power struggles.
But if you are open to finding true unconditional love, the road passes right through the heart of your selfishness, your jealousy, and your possessiveness. It emerges on the opposite side.
You have to navigate these base emotions before you can move your relationship onto higher ground.
Is it difficult? Well, yes it is, but…
If you really care about the person you call your lover, your husband, or your wife, you will want them to achieve. You will want them to realize their best potential, and you will want to give them the space necessary to make that happen. Reminding yourself of this should make it easier.
Both you and your partner need space to grow as much as you need air to breathe. Neither of you benefits if you smother one another.
Your time apart — these everyday spaces — can be for quiet contemplation, or to enjoy a friend’s company, or perhaps to explore personal directions. This space is the creative vortex, where you as a couple explore life and create through your differences. Growth cannot exist without space?
The trust you give one another creates the space you embrace within; entwined but separate beings, loving and living within the small but vital distances between you.
How do you give your lover space?
Have you and your partner found it difficult to give each other the necessary space to grow as individuals? Do you feel stifled in your relationship? Or have you found your path through the destructiveness of possession and jealously?
What did it feel like when you first realized that you truly loved your partner; that you didn’t need to possess them; that instead, you wanted to experience the joy of growing together as individuals?
You can give your lover space on many levels. It can be as obvious as physical space, or time space, and it can be as subtle as psychic and emotional space.
However you choose to give your partner this space, or in what form you ask your partner for this trust and freedom, know that the space you give or receive is directly proportional to your growth as a couple.
The less you try to possess your lover — the more you will possess true love.
Over to you now…
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17 comments ↓
It seems that only rich, secure, independent, strong people can love unconditionally. They can choose partners only from pure love and they don’t need anything from their partners other than love.
If you are constrained, you cannot love purely; if you are shackled, you cannot dance gracefully. I was ever in this kind of situation. It is a depression.
Nice article! I think a lot of people have a warped sense of what love really is. We give up all too easily, in the name of love. I think most people are in “lust”…not love. Show me a couple who have experienced death of loved ones, financial insecurity, job demise–and still remain together and thrive in their relationship–and then you’ll see what “love” really is. Love never gives up, love never lets down. Love remains, regardless of how tough the going may get. Love blossoms under pressure.
Jade
I feel what you are saying, but my own experience and observation tells me that unconditional love is just that — it is unconditional. It does not depend on ease of circumstance to develop. It often develops from the most adverse conditions. When a person’s life is not challenged, their ability to love is not tested and refined.
We grow through our depressed times if we can remain aware through it all — and you have. I think that you have learned from your experience, but you are still holding onto bitterness. Replace that with understanding of how that happened, then move forward. It will only snag you otherwise.
Please keep sharing your thoughts with us.
Hope
You said:
This is so true — lust and need are more often than not, mistaken for love. A good examination of this is found in J. Krishnamurti’s book, “On Love and Loneliness.”
Thank you for your inspiring comment. I can add nothing more.
John
The hardest thing to hear is that someone you love so deeply, someone who claims that they love you…does not trust you and…your intentions. Please affirm that sadly, this person is unworthy of trust. Although he betrayed me once, I would trust him tomorrw with my life. Perhaps because I know that he can trust me with his. He has given me the gift of seeing inside of his deepest fears…and they stem from his self. I said good bye tonight.
I am loving unconditionally and giving my boyfriend space. He is in the most horrendous situation. He has a 9 month old child with a woman he dated a few times 18 months ago. She controls him by only allowing him access to his son (who he loves so much) providing he does everything she wants. She has threatened to stop it twice. He gives in because he is thinking long term. If he tries to go to court to get access legalised so she can’t make these threats, he knows she will be vindictive enough to poison the child against him – and he doesn’t want the child to go through this, so he stays on good terms with her. It is very hard for me, but I love and respect him. he is so overloaded with her demands sometimes, and juggling his work, parenting when he has the child (she won’t allow him to see me when he has the child) that I don’t pester him – and only get to see him once a week – but usually for about 12 hours then and it’s like having a whole week in one day. Or if we bump into each other in the street and snatch a kiss or a wave. But the problem with giving so much space is, he is getting mixed up in his mind as she is so manipulative and tries to break us up. She has tried everything, and nothing worked, so she now flirts with him and tries to seduce him to try and drive me away knowing I will find it intolerable. He doesn’t react to it, so now she is being more subtle and very very nice to him. I am losing him as he is not the same person when he is with me, because he is having to live a lie, to stay on good terms with her and it is changing him. If he wanted me to let him go, I would, even though I would lose the man I love. But he doesn’t want to lose me. I don’t know what to do to help him. Even if it is kinder to give him up, rather than have him feel torn, it leaves him with no-one who loves him and cares for him, and no support when she blackmails him on occasion. We are kindred spirits – it’s like he is the person I have waited for all my life. I am losing him anyway as when someone gives up their soul to protect a child, their soul is no longer with you and they are a shell of a person. How can I love him best? By giving space it is allowing her to poison his mind and control his life. He is loving his child unconditionally. He is effectively giving up his life so it is not out in the position, when older, of having the Mother poisoning it’s mind. Yet the child will also grow up seeing him give in to unreasonable behaviour all the time and seeing his Father being seemingly weak. Maybe I should love him in spirit and give him up, as then maybe she would have no-one to try and get rid of. But why should he have to stay alone?
Eleanor:
Both you and your boyfriend have decisions to make. Decisions have remarkable power to end uncertainty. Neither of you will last, and certainly not with each other, if you both continue to walk this tightrope.
Your boyfriend needs to decide to either let go of the relationship with his Child, or make it legal. If he makes it legal, there are benefits to the Mother, the Child, and to your boyfriend. It doesn’t have to be adversarial. Making it legal clarifies and enforces the roles played and duties accepted by both parties. If it is approached properly it can work well for everyone.
The problem here, is that roles have not been properly defined, and games are being played as a result.
A Legal agreement would of course would mean he will pay child support. You didn’t mention if he is already doing that of his own accord (the proper thing to do). If he is not, then there is more to this than your comment suggests.
The only two alternatives for him have no future. If he continues to play this game, will he still be a player when the Mother of his child falls in love and marries another man? Where will his relationship with his Child be then? And if he lets the Child go from his life, can he live with that? It shouldn’t take more than a minute for him to know which path to take.
When we speak of giving space in relationships, we are talking about respect for each other, and wanting the absolute best development for each other, according to your personal natures. Giving space doesn’t mean withdrawing your influence and watching while your boyfriend becomes unhappy and “a shell of a person.”
So you must decide to either let this relationship go if you feel it is not worth the trouble, or to try your best to “do right” by all parties.
I can understand how you might feel that this other woman is an adversary and that her intent is not good. But can you empathize with her situation? She is the one with a Child for life from what you described as, a few dates. How do you think she feels? How would you feel? Would you feel let down by yourself or by your lover? Would you feel there needs to be some payback? I am not saying that she was the injured party here. I am saying that the legal route of formalizing the relationship between father, Mother, and Child, is a way to resolve and “own” the parts everyone has played, and is playing, in this drama.
The idea that the Mother can and will poison the Child against his Father if the father sought to legalize his rights, is the fear that needs to be overcome to make the decisions that need to be made.
Could she do that? Yes she could. Will she? It all depends on how the legal procedure is approached. If the Father’s intent is honorable and he is willing to accept his responsibility in support of the raising of his Child, in exchange for a role in his Child’s life, and if the Mother accepts that the Father is well intentioned, is willing and able to offer financial and emotional/relationship support in the raising of his Child, then there could be an amicable agreement that can work well.
The important thing is: there should be no hidden agendas, manipulation, or role playing (no matter how noble).
The space you give to your partner is the space to be fully who they are. If that requires some suggestions from you, then so be it. Don’t be afraid to step up and take a part in this. But if you sense that he is genuinely drawn to this other woman, have the courage and integrity to step down, and to refrain from manipulation.
No one should be “giving up his life” for any reason. Everyone needs to make clear decisions.
Best,
John
Thank you for your insightsJohn, which have made me think about a few things. I do know the Mother of the child quite well, and she was always trying to pair us off together. When it happened, I think seeing us in love affected her, so she threatened to stop access unless he stayed single, although she has threatened this on a number of occasions before we were seeing each other. Yes I do empathise to a degree, and I know she has her insecurities (understandably), but she is a very aggressive, negative person – she scares most people! I have never been scared of her, but I know she tends to carry out her threats. I agree that he needs to deal with some fears to deal with the situation. His belief that she will poison the child’s mind if he ‘rocks the boat’ is quite valid though – I have been on the receiving end of abusive threats and harrassment (now stopped) and so has he, and she constantly tries to put fears into him about me. I suggested exactly as you did regarding the legal situation (yes it is possible for him to apply just to formalise current access and there is a good chance he will have this agreed, as even if the Mother does not agree, the court decides and he has been involved with the child since birth) that once it is formalised, everyone knows where they are and what to comply with and the child grows up with that structure giving some stability. The problem is – she doesn’t want him to have access legalised as it is her way of being in control. And that’s why he thinks that, if it was awarded, regardless of whether or not she wants it, she would be vindictive enough to turn the child against him. i believe he is right. He copes very well with the fact that he knows the Mother of his child is really a very unpleasant person sometimes. He tries to stay on good terms with her for the child’s sake. He pays child support voluntarily (more than he has to by law), pays for many other things (if he won’t pay she threatens to stop access again). He drives her to the airport when she goes to stay with her boyfriend, and is expected to drop everything at short notice if she wants him to drive her somewhere. Like you, i think it would be better for everyone if the access was formalised and boundaries set, so the position is more equal.Her current rules are designed to stop him seeing me. In some ways I can understand that she sees him having a relationship as a threat, especially if it was serious. He has to pay child support by law so it can’t be a financial threat (I’m not interested in him for money! He doesn’t have anything left! And i support myself and am unable to have children, so him having another child to support isn’t an issue either). I think it is a bit of jealousy. She doesn’t have the commitment she wants from her boyfriend, and I think seeing us in love must have been hard too, but I think also she can’t bear the idea of us being a couple with her child on occasion. So the situation is – he has to choose between the child and his girl-friend – which is tearing him apart. yet if push came to shove, the child has to come first. He was adamant he doesn’t want to go through the courts, that he has to do it the amicable way, so he can keep an eye on the child. I don’t have a problem with him helping her out sometimes – I’d do it myself if allowed! I think her biggest fear is that her child might love some other woman more than her (unlikely i think – a step-parent is not the same as a Mother). I am a responsible person – a former nurse and some teaching, so am not a problem as regards being around children – maybe too much of a threat. So I know all the issues – it is what to do. I agree about decisions. He has made his – not to do something legal without her agreement (which she won’t give). I don’t want to let him go unless he wants me to, which he doesn’t, and the irony is, parly why he is managing to cope with her demands is because he has me in his life. He says he has become used to living on a knife edge and is pragmatic about it. I am finding it hard. My gut instinct is to say – this needs to be sorted legally (as an unmarried Father he doesn’t have automatic rights to access and has to apply for it), but I do understand his point about how vindictive she would be if she has that power taken away from her and how damaging the nastiness would be to the child. I love him very much – we have something – that feeling that, this is the person i have waited for all my life (and it’s been a long wait!). But am beginning to see – that’s how it would have been if he had not had a child and this situation. But he has, and dealing with her is affecting his behaviour with me now. Yes I should either back off, or stand up and say and do the right thing. Every time I think about backing off, I can’t. We are so happy when we are together and can forget everything for a day. But he is a nervous wreck. I asked him if he wants me to stop seeing him so he has less pressure from her and he says no. I can see how hard it is for him to make that decision, but the current situation means we are neither on or off, and i sometimes feel like a secret mistress which Im not happy with. So if I stand up and do and say the right thing – what do I do? I get stuck. Sometimes I get angry that we are both being put in this position and feel powerless, and wish she would put her energies into something else and just let us all get on with our lives. He thinks she might be coming round a bit, so we are giving it a bit of time (the alternative of breaking up upset us both too much). I doubt she will come round – and yes i do feel nervous wondering what the next tactic will be. She tried making him break it off with me (told him lots of horrible things about me that weren’t true, which he didn’t believe, but of course it puts negative stuff into someone’s head and he had doubts for a short time), tried to get me to break off with him by making it impossible to see each other for about three weeks, and getting him to go round every week-end for dinner – hoping i would find it intolerable and break off with him. Initially I did, but decided to ignore it and looked forward to the couple of hours we had arranged for later in the week. I am actually quite scared that she might try to seduce him next. I suppose i can hope she is coming round to the idea as he says is possible, but I agree with you that there is almost some sort of game going on. Personality-wise, this lady is extremely competitive, a bit spoilt and has very high self-esteem – and she likes to be the centre of attention – she is also a bully and not someone to get into a disagreement with. he is a kind, quiet man, but a bit too trusting sometimes and not very assertive – and has a rather lovely way of seeing the best in everyone. not sure how to describe myself (stupid?!!). Apologies for rambling. i really liked your way of loooking at it all (I feel stressed by it sometimes and my feelings blind me a bit I think). I feel I was getting somewhere while writing all this out, but still a bit stuck.
PS I know how it must sound when I describe this lady, but her behaviour is the same in other situations too. She has alienated a lot of people – even people who helped her a lot through various things. She expects a lot from people, but if anyone says no they can’t do something that day eg she sends a barrage of abuse, usually by text message. I sometimes wish bullying was an imprisonable crime. Standing up to her is not an option.
Eleanor:
I don’t think I can add to what I have already said in response. I feel the same decisions are still waiting to be made, regardless of how complex the situation may look. The closer you examine something, the more intricate and detailed it will appear. Sometimes, you just have to step back a bit to gain perspective to see it for what it is.
Perhaps another reader has been down a similar road and can share their insight. What about it? Anyone?
Thank you for your wisdom again. Yes I am getting caught up in intricacies.
Hi, Firstly, what a great site! Just found it today and enjoying reading it very much.
On the topic of giving space, I agree with the need for it. I personally dislike feeling smothered in a relationship, and quite frankly, it can get boring and stale without outside interests and friendships.
On the other hand, the thing that prompted my searching on the web is my own struggle with possessive feelings right now. I have come out of a long term relationship that had totally lost all intimacy (it had been no more than friendship for years!). We are still good friends, and always will be. The twist is that I met a man online early this year and we became good friends through shared interests. We met via an online community (not a dating service). As the friendship progressed, we branched out into other interests and began spending a lot of time playing cards, joking, talking about life etc. We share a lot of things in common in our view of the world.
The problem is, he is quite a bit younger than me (14 years my junior). This strange dynamic has triggered all kinds of insecurities in me that I feel are a challenge to overcome. We met in Europe and spent 3 weeks travelling, and it was great! He is now moving to my country next year to study his PhD.
For the first time, I feel obsessive. I don’t like it, it’s confusing and I know it will impact negatively on our relationship. It’s almost like.. too much (physical) space has had a negative effect. I feel I need to overcome these challenges within myself and accept the joy of this relationship, for however long it may last. For us, space is not the problem, but I don;t know what is!
Any thoughts would be helpful in managing this transitional period.
Thanks
Hi Helen,
Thanks for sharing your situation and feelings.
All relationships begin with your relationship to yourself, so I advise to begin there. You might ask yourself a few questions. Some that come to mind are:
You began your comment with the thought that you were feeling possessive, and you ended it with the feeling that you were being obsessive.
Possessive and obsessive feelings are spawned by perceived needs. Your conceptions of your needs are greatly influenced by your last relationship — and that was unfulfilled.
This lack of satisfaction in the last relationship exaggerates your need to be satisfied in this relationship. Couple that with distance (the fear he may find someone else), and the age difference between you (the fear that you will become less attractive to him), and your feelings become very natural and understandable.
I think you should congratulate yourself on being open to a better relationship. You should also cut yourself some slack on how you feel about what you are feeling. I think you have to put things into perspective and try to extend some genuine understanding to your yourself about why you feel as you do.
What you feel now is transitory; it is not a life-sentence. Honor the past and all your past relationships, but let go of guilt feelings and self-recrimination. You have nothing to fear and everything to gain from enjoying this new relationship.
It is never a loss when you share yourself deeply, easily, and unreservedly, with someone you love — regardless of how long it lasts. It will always be true, because you truly loved and shared. Our capacity to love never dies though our loved ones may move on.
The important thing is to be able to love without strings attached; to know that love is the expression of the beauty and power within us, that we direct to the beauty and power within others.
I hope this helps somehow,
John
Hello John,
Thank-you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.
You raise some interesting points, some of which I have thought about, and some that were perhaps beneath consciousness. I think that your point about one’s relationship with one’s self is an important one. Mine is not perfect, but neither is it in a state of disrepair. To be honest, yes, I do feel as if there are some ways that I feel I have wasted some time and yet, there were also experiences gained from that past relationship that were important things for me to learn. I think that my ex-partner also gained much from our time together. I don’t think it was a lack of depth, per se, but rather our depths were different in nature. We just didn’t connect on some fairly core elements for each of us.
The ease of the new relationship… interesting, as I reflect, it has not been all easy, we have had some disagreements, but what I like, is our ability to work through these, which is incredibly refreshing and rare. We never leave anything “hanging” in the air, no matter what the topic matter. This has strengthened our connection immeasurably, as it has an aura of trust and respect about it.
After writing the above, I spent some time in deep contemplation and tried to be open to what is driving this anxious feeling I’ve been having, and I think that a part of it may definitely be due to the age difference, as I feel a strong sense of responsibility to prevent damage to this beautiful person. How easy it would be for me to assume that I know best, or have more experience, and thus to impose my own “will” unfairly.
I am unsure of whether I have attracted this young man by coincidence or not, however there was another “age appropriate” who was romantically interested in me shortly after I met this one, and he was lovely, but terribly immature. It is possible that the contrast between the two clarified for me what I did NOT want to be part of a future relationship. When I think back, it all seems quite fateful. The full history of this meeting goes back over a few years of coincidences. “When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears…..”
The depth of this relationship is real, and I am not afraid of him finding someone else right now. If I truly honour his own growth, then it may be that he will need to move on at some point. Perhaps there is a part of myself that is defensive against that very possible outcome, far too much ahead of time.
I know in my heart that this man is unique and very special, and I do feel honoured that he wishes to share some of his life with me. He is very bright, kind and sensitive, and rather intuitive too. There will be a great sense of loss if/when he decides to move on. There will also be a sense of joy and gladness in my heart for having known him that will outlive the grief.
I think I am simply afraid to trust the future (and deal with my own perceived future pain) and must learn to appreciate the splendour of the present more fully, which is really the only thing that the future is built on.
Thank you for the gift of your wise words and insights.
May peace be with you always,
Helen.
Hi Helen,
You have a beautiful and orderly way of expressing yourself. The reader cannot help but “get” what you are saying. You cover all the bases in your explanation of how you think about how you feel. You are blessed with a very capable mind, and an expansive spirit. You and your new partner are in for some wonderful times.
Sometimes though, capable minds such as yours (and mine), are adept at using that capacity to see and articulate connections that satisfy us intellectually, in order to protect us from getting down and dirty in the soup of raw emotion.
I say that because I notice whenever you identify with a possible source of your dilemma, you quickly balance that thought, starting with the words “yet,” or “but.”
And though those thoughts may be valid, I wonder if they also keep you from diving into and owning the initial thought you started with.
A very close friend of mine once said, “John, get your “but” out of the way.” And I “got” it. She was right. I was using my mind’s ability to explain things away. It all made perfect sense — but it was really my way to avoid the pain of confronting and owning the real issues.
You ended your response with:
So maybe the final questions (since we began with questions) for you are:
I’ve really enjoyed your thoughts Helen. I hope you see my challenge as an opportunity to explore further.
Best,
John
Hello again John,
My fear of trusting the future is as simple as being afraid of being alone at times when I desire a close connection with someone special. I usually spend a lot of time by myself by choice, however there is a difference between “alone” and “lonely”. I think this current relationship dynamic intensifies these feelings because I sense from the outset that it will not be a long term relationship, even though that is what I hope for.
And yes, you are correct, I do tend to intellectualise my feelings as a coping strategy. I am working up the courage to just be able to sit in them, as intense as they are, and find some kind of acceptance of that.
You have inspired me to face this challenge and I am so glad to have had the opportunity to have my thoughts questioned in such a gentle and non-judgemental way.
Thank-you once again,
Helen
Hello John,
I was reflecting over the last year when I returned to read your words once again. I thought you might be curious as to the outcome so far.
I tried hard to put my fears aside and enjoy fully this relationship for what it is. What has manifested is truly wonderful. We are very happily together and expecting the birth of our child, a beautiful boy, in November. I have never conceived before, despite trying, so I really feel that somehow things are in harmony for us in the world (since I was NOT trying and still this momentous event occured!).
I could not have dreamed for a better outcome and we are both growing together, sharing new experiences together and experiencing a profound and respectful love of the kind I had only ever dreamed of. Our families accept our relationship and have been loving and supportive and most of our friends are happy for us also.
He is a wise and beautiful man, and somewhere in amongst all the pain of the past, I must have earned what I have now. He will be an amazing father and I am looking forward to our future adventures and challenges together.
Yours in peaceful contentment,
Helen.
Hello Helen,
I’m so glad to hear that it all worked out just as it should. Good for you for having the courage and faith to drop your fears.
And you have a Son in the making. Well how cool is that? A big congratulations to you both.
John