I’m so glad to hear that it all worked out just as it should. Good for you for having the courage and faith to drop your fears.

And you have a Son in the making. Well how cool is that? A big congratulations to you both.

John

I was reflecting over the last year when I returned to read your words once again. I thought you might be curious as to the outcome so far.

I tried hard to put my fears aside and enjoy fully this relationship for what it is. What has manifested is truly wonderful. We are very happily together and expecting the birth of our child, a beautiful boy, in November. I have never conceived before, despite trying, so I really feel that somehow things are in harmony for us in the world (since I was NOT trying and still this momentous event occured!).

I could not have dreamed for a better outcome and we are both growing together, sharing new experiences together and experiencing a profound and respectful love of the kind I had only ever dreamed of. Our families accept our relationship and have been loving and supportive and most of our friends are happy for us also.

He is a wise and beautiful man, and somewhere in amongst all the pain of the past, I must have earned what I have now. He will be an amazing father and I am looking forward to our future adventures and challenges together.

Yours in peaceful contentment,

Helen.

My fear of trusting the future is as simple as being afraid of being alone at times when I desire a close connection with someone special. I usually spend a lot of time by myself by choice, however there is a difference between “alone” and “lonely”. I think this current relationship dynamic intensifies these feelings because I sense from the outset that it will not be a long term relationship, even though that is what I hope for.

And yes, you are correct, I do tend to intellectualise my feelings as a coping strategy. I am working up the courage to just be able to sit in them, as intense as they are, and find some kind of acceptance of that.

You have inspired me to face this challenge and I am so glad to have had the opportunity to have my thoughts questioned in such a gentle and non-judgemental way.

Thank-you once again,

Helen

You have a beautiful and orderly way of expressing yourself. The reader cannot help but “get” what you are saying. You cover all the bases in your explanation of how you think about how you feel. You are blessed with a very capable mind, and an expansive spirit. You and your new partner are in for some wonderful times.

Sometimes though, capable minds such as yours (and mine), are adept at using that capacity to see and articulate connections that satisfy us intellectually, in order to protect us from getting down and dirty in the soup of raw emotion.

I say that because I notice whenever you identify with a possible source of your dilemma, you quickly balance that thought, starting with the words “yet,” or “but.”

And though those thoughts may be valid, I wonder if they also keep you from diving into and owning the initial thought you started with.

A very close friend of mine once said, “John, get your “but” out of the way.” And I “got” it. She was right. I was using my mind’s ability to explain things away. It all made perfect sense — but it was really my way to avoid the pain of confronting and owning the real issues.

You ended your response with:

“I think I am simply afraid to trust the future (and deal with my own perceived future pain)”

So maybe the final questions (since we began with questions) for you are:

1. Is your fear of trusting the future really that “simple?”
2. What is this pain that you perceive you will experience in the future?

I’ve really enjoyed your thoughts Helen. I hope you see my challenge as an opportunity to explore further.

Best,
John

Thank-you so much for taking the time to reply to my post.

You raise some interesting points, some of which I have thought about, and some that were perhaps beneath consciousness. I think that your point about one’s relationship with one’s self is an important one. Mine is not perfect, but neither is it in a state of disrepair. To be honest, yes, I do feel as if there are some ways that I feel I have wasted some time and yet, there were also experiences gained from that past relationship that were important things for me to learn. I think that my ex-partner also gained much from our time together. I don’t think it was a lack of depth, per se, but rather our depths were different in nature. We just didn’t connect on some fairly core elements for each of us.

The ease of the new relationship… interesting, as I reflect, it has not been all easy, we have had some disagreements, but what I like, is our ability to work through these, which is incredibly refreshing and rare. We never leave anything “hanging” in the air, no matter what the topic matter. This has strengthened our connection immeasurably, as it has an aura of trust and respect about it.

After writing the above, I spent some time in deep contemplation and tried to be open to what is driving this anxious feeling I’ve been having, and I think that a part of it may definitely be due to the age difference, as I feel a strong sense of responsibility to prevent damage to this beautiful person. How easy it would be for me to assume that I know best, or have more experience, and thus to impose my own “will” unfairly.

I am unsure of whether I have attracted this young man by coincidence or not, however there was another “age appropriate” who was romantically interested in me shortly after I met this one, and he was lovely, but terribly immature. It is possible that the contrast between the two clarified for me what I did NOT want to be part of a future relationship. When I think back, it all seems quite fateful. The full history of this meeting goes back over a few years of coincidences. “When the pupil is ready, the teacher appears…..”

The depth of this relationship is real, and I am not afraid of him finding someone else right now. If I truly honour his own growth, then it may be that he will need to move on at some point. Perhaps there is a part of myself that is defensive against that very possible outcome, far too much ahead of time.

I know in my heart that this man is unique and very special, and I do feel honoured that he wishes to share some of his life with me. He is very bright, kind and sensitive, and rather intuitive too. There will be a great sense of loss if/when he decides to move on. There will also be a sense of joy and gladness in my heart for having known him that will outlive the grief.

I think I am simply afraid to trust the future (and deal with my own perceived future pain) and must learn to appreciate the splendour of the present more fully, which is really the only thing that the future is built on.

Thank you for the gift of your wise words and insights.

May peace be with you always,

Helen.