Thank you for having the courage to share your relationship issue with us. My first thought is: you solve a relationship problem the moment you see through your partner’s eyes.

So I am wondering how your boyfriend feels, aside from not wanting sex for the past month. How does he feel about his business interests, his life direction, his abilities? In short, I am wondering if he is secretly troubled with low self-esteem. Perhaps he is stressed about something and maybe he needs to talk about it, but is not accustomed to opening up about these things. Men often feel that admitting that they are troubled about something is the same as admitting that they are not capable or strong enough to cope with it, so they keep silent and relationships suffer as a result.

It takes some smart coaxing to get some men to openly discuss the real issues. If they can view these discussions as a “brainstorming” session where the focus is positive, on overcoming obstacles and progressing, rather than a “tell me your troubles” session where they feel weak, they are more likely to be truthful and open.

Also, is it possible that he feels overwhelmed in the sexual aspect of your relationship? If you are the dominant one, the leader in your sexual relationship, or if your sexual energy is significantly higher than his, then he may sense that and feel that he is not quite “up to the task” (or what he thinks you expect of him). This is a very delicate issue for men. Men are very sensitive and emotionally driven in ways that are not obvious to women. For a man to be physically able to have sex with a woman, he must have the right emotional motivation. If his emotional state is not self-confident he will fear not measuring up, and worse yet, he will fear that it will become physically impossible to rise to the occasion. Before that failure happens, a man will back off. He may say he is going through a phase, but there is always more to it.

Of course there is no way for me to know your situation, so I offer the above only as food for thought. In the end, you may have to move on to another relationship that will allow you to be happy and fulfilled. But before you do, it may be worth your while to dig deeper into how your boyfriend feels, and to try to walk in his shoes for a while.

Sometimes the best relationships are the ones that you have worked the hardest on. You both grow through these trials if you both work through them, and that growth deepens the roots of your relationship.

If he doesn’t respond, then you have done your best. You can then wish him well and move on with integrity.

My best wishes to you and him,
John

We have not had sex in a month, he said that is because i expect to much from hem when the truth is i don’t ask for nothing, sinse i have demostrated how much i like him and want to be intimate with him he has stopped wanting to be with me, he has being pleasing himself everyday leaving me out even though i have cried and let hem know nicely how painfull that is for me…he dosen’t kiss me the way he use to either. when i suggest to him to take a brake, so that i can move to a diferent place and just keep dating and see if that will help he say NO I DON’T WANT THAT, I WANT YOU IN MY LIFE I LOVE YOU. I AM GOING THROUGH A PHASE, WE WOULD BE FINE, ONCE WE MOVE TO ANOTHER PLACE.

This situation got me depressed because i can’t be better and more understanding and caring ….then i read “in love we trust” and wrote him a letter telling him that from now on i will give up my need to possess him in anyway and that i will love hen unconditionally…he smile and was pleased with that but he did not kiss me or say i love you thank you…he stay distant from me and change the conversation…i feel better after reading your articles and it is helping me to see better and undertand love and giving etc…but i feel that the more time that passes without intimacy with my boyfriend and sleeping by his side everynight more painfull and that our conection is braking up…i have the urge tu run away on my own insted of staying in a friendship covered up as a relationship…I can see why he wont let go of me, I am worth it! and that is what i thouht of him too. but now i’m getting desapointed at least in bed and that our conection is fading..please help…i need your advice…gracias. speel check needed.

Thanks for your thoughts; I appreciate them. And I can also appreciate the semantic problems in language. We write from one perspective and intent, using words as tools to convey thoughts.

The trouble with spoken language is that it is necessarily ambiguous. Words can, and should, take on many different meanings and inference, depending upon their context within the dialog.

In this instance, I was using the word “selfish” in its commonly held negative connotation (for common clarity). I was not implying that is therefore wrong to give to ourselves, or that we should be self-sacrificing. I tried instead, to express our requirement to properly satisfy ourselves in my use of the positive word “giving,” as in the quoted line below:

“And if love is giving, it must mean that love gives equally to the beloved and to the lover.”

In that sentence, I tried to convey that “giving” encompasses not only supporting the strength and beauty in others, but also your own, to create a symbiotic dance between you both.

Though it is true that selfishness (in its literal meaning) has a part to play as you say, I preferred to use positive terms to convey that sense of taking care of yourself — “giving” to yourself.

Too bad we have to use words eh?

John