Two Simple Steps to Mend a Marriage

Relationships are a heck of an arrangement aren’t they? They are the easiest things to get into, and the hardest to get out of.

And they are so complex. Have you noticed that? One moment you are crazy in love with this gorgeous person, and in the next, you find yourself cringing every time he lumbers across the room that you so gracefully waltz through, not knowing that his stomping gate is just his way of saying that he hates the way you emotionally castrate him.

A good relationship is hard to find isn’t it? And once you have one, they seem to sour so quickly. Shouldn’t there be a law of the universe governing all of this? I mean, shouldn’t forming good relationships be a natural human ability like eating and breathing? Isn’t relationship a central part of the propagation of the species? We should have a good-relationship gene for heaven’s sake.

Instead, we vacillate between the possible but improbable dream relationships, and the probable relationship nightmares that are almost impossible to live with.

Somewhere in that muddled mix of emotions and expectations, there has to be a simple way of nudging our relationships into the dream and out of the nightmare.

The foundations of a marriage or relationship

If you really want to simplify this, you could say that you nourish your marriage or romantic relationship by two basic activities. The first is doing things together (things other than sex), and the other is talking to each other. Simple stuff.

So simple that it is easy to forget about them. Have you and your partner stopped doing things together? Life is busy isn’t it? It’s understandable that you have less time for each other. If that’s true for you, you’ve likely noticed that you have also stopped having those juicy conversations you so enjoyed at the start.

Physical and verbal communications are the basis for a good marriage. You can build all the romantic and spiritual aspects you want upon this humble foundation.

If you make time to do things together, you will also find the time to have conversations with each other. Your connection will deepen in understanding, joy, and mutual support. Your reality will grow wherever you place your attention, and it will whither in whatever area of your life you withdraw your attention from.

It’s easy to mess up a good relationship

You can do it in a heartbeat. Just remove your attention and focus from spending time and talking with each other. And if your marriage manages to survive this somehow, you will set yourself up for an even worse fate — you will dumb your relationship down into a numb acceptance of bland cohabitation.

Instead of connecting with your partner, you end up noticing all of their small but irritating habits. You magnify them by focusing on them. You become more and more sensitive to them. You find more to complain about. You soon lose sight of why it happened and how simple it would have been to heal your relationship before it got this bad.

When you nit-pick like that, do you think that maybe you are externalizing your guilt feelings for letting the relationship slip out of control? It could be.

Of course if that were true, it would also mean that you are empowered to heal your relationship if you so choose.

Healing a relationship can be simple

That doesn’t mean that mending your marriage will be easy, but it can be. The steps toward a better relationship are certainly simple. There will always be marriages that are beyond mending, but the vast majority are worth saving. You deserve to live in the happiest relationship possible, and it is definitely possible to create that reality.

If you and your lover are no longer loving; if irritation outweighs fascination in your togetherness, then take these two simple steps to heal your relationship.

Plan some projects and do them together. Even if you are at that point in your relationship where you barely talk to each other, decide on something that you will do together. Whatever you do, just make sure it doesn’t include hanging wallpaper.

You know what I mean don’t you? Pick something that you are both comfortable with that won’t cause unnecessary tension. Do some digging in the garden, go for a camping trip, or take a drive to the coast if you happen to live near one. Even if it’s uncomfortable at first — just do it.

Don’t try to fix everything all at once. In fact, don’t try to fix anything except maybe the porch swing. Think of the activity as white noise that calms your mind and absorbs your focus. Simply be there doing whatever it is you are doing together. Nothing more is required.

Finding some problem to fix or home improvement to tackle together is the best way to do this. Maybe there is something broken around the house that you can both fix. Does the garage need a coat of paint? Would a new ornamental tree look perfect in the back garden? Working together to improve your external environment sets you up mentally to improve your love relationship. The analogy will not be lost on your psyche.

Take the Coffee Conversation Challenge to bring those good vibrations back into your conversation. This technique is ridiculously simple.

That is not to say that it is easy. It will be a genuine challenge, especially if the two of you have lost your fascination and closeness in really talking with each other, every day.

It is simple only because: you don’t have to be in your head analyzing, and making lists, and learning complex confrontational intellectual strategies for assessing blame and laying claim — that in the end leave you dry, empty, and full of reasons why you should end your marriage.

Here is how the coffee conversation challenge works: You and your lover — who you may have demoted to roommate by now — will meet once a day, five days a week, at a coffee shop.

Schedule a time each day, perhaps right after work, and pick a location that has a good ambiance. It is important that the time and location remain as constant as possible, and it is vital that you never have this meeting at your home. You must meet in a coffee shop for this to work.

If you try to share this time at home, you will set yourselves up for failure. You will sabotage your intent to communicate by employing all the usual strategies. The phone will ring; you have to answer it; your children want something; the cat is clawing the furniture again.

Don’t give in to the temptation to do this at home. Meet where your distractions and avoidance strategies won’t know where to find you.

So there you both are, in the coffee shop. Perhaps you have just gotten off work. You are tired. You are not sure what the point of all this is. You order a couple coffees. You sit down at the table, and you face each other — now what? This is awkward. You have nothing to say. You stare at each other briefly. You sip on your coffee. You look around at the people on other tables. You wonder if they can see how damaged your relationship is, and you silently feel guilty and inadequate because of it.

All this awkward feeling is exactly the point. You must break through this barrier you have erected between the two of you. If this means staring blankly across the table at each other for the first few weeks, then so be it. Get through it. Do it. Persevere. It is worth it.

I know I said you can substitute tea, but if you happen to like coffee, it has the advantage of stimulating conversation by activating your mind. You can sit opposite one another in silence for only so long. Soon enough, the coffee will have you talking. Maybe it will be mundane at first. After a while though, you will find yourselves becoming enthused with each other again, despite yourselves. There is no need at this point to discuss issues you have with one another. What you think is important now, may be inconsequential next week. Let things resolve themselves as you pull together again.

Do the time, play the game, be consistent, and you will see the results. I guarantee that if you take this challenge seriously and keep to this simple discipline for a few months, you will reestablish your communications. After a while, you will look forward to these meetings.

Work with those two simple steps of doing together and talking together, and you will absolutely succeed in improving your marriage or relationship.

Can you see the power and simplicity of this?

Over to you now…

Stumble it!

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